Category Archives: Fresh Air
I have a horrible habit. A talent of sorts. I am the ‘worlds-best’ at something… no one can out do me in this ONE thing. I hold the crown and I am the queens of this throne. *slightly smug*
My super power is about to be unleashed and unveiled.
I would like to proclaim that I am awesome in bed. I would like to sit here and dote on the fact that I am an amazing cook. I sound like the perfect woman, right? Wild, curly, seemingly effortless hair—a vixen in bed and a master in the kitchen. While all of these things may be true… these aren’t the events that I hold the gold medal in. Today, I am facing the fact that my Olympic worthy performance is in “fucking a good thing up”.
It is an innate talent. Ever heard of fight or flight? Well I am great at fighting and then putting on my running shoes and taking the fuck off. If I don’t take off… there is a chance that I might push you to.
So, I have ‘Fresh Air’…and he is still everything, but, I have found every possible way to push him away. On top of pushing him away…. I have made sure my delicate, feminine and nimble fingers have pushed every single button he has. The funny—or not so funny thing lies in the fact that I am doing it without even trying. We will be having a normal conversation and a word vomit will start building up in my throat, and I can not help it. I puke “I-still-love-my-ex” all over his cute Cole Haans. Right after wiping my mouth and feeling the shame of the words that just tumbled out of my mouth, I follow it with another dry heave… and without any warning a bit of “I-slept-with-him-right-before-I-met-you-and-I-could-possibly-be-pregnant” purges from a place deep in my belly and lands in his lap.
Side note: Just in case you were wondering. I am NOT pregnant with my ex’s baby—it was a random scary thought.
How does my ‘Fresh Air’ react? How the fuck do you think he reacts?! He is slightly stunned, and has no fucking clue what to say to me. He gives me a puzzled look and shakes his head. Being the stereotypical man of very few words… I know he is going to need time to process. I expected silence.
He gingerly kisses me on my forehead and lets himself out to head to work.
I even still got the “I love you, have a good day baby”, that I am becoming accustomed to.
(Where did I find this rare-breed of a man?!…)
We eventually discuss the purge-fest, and he seemingly lets it go. “No big deal” (His quote, not mine)
I haven’t written in a while, but I thought I would give it a whirl tonight since he is out of town, again this weekend. We are on a current, short but long stint of ‘life getting in the way’.
I am a mother. School has started. Both of our jobs have been occupying a lot of our time… we are having a hard time nailing down a designated ‘us’ time. We haven’t been on one of our awesome dates in god knows how long…
What you just read was the beginnings of a post that was sitting in my stack of unedited, unfinished and unpublished pieces of… work. I was going to call it “shit”, but I am working on not downing myself or my writing.
This whole post is ending up “digressing”. I had every single intention to finish it and publish it. I most likely would have rambled on about how amazing my ‘Fresh Air’ was and how I was single-handedly fucking up our relationship by fussing about not seeing each other. I would have talked about how I need to just sit still, plant my feet and let us take our “natural” course. How, I should stop running, stop fighting and just…be. I would have gushed disgusting happiness that is a much different tone from many of my other posts. I would have sounded like a smitten-kitten wearing fuzzy in-love-mittens. I would have realized the error in most of my ways, and vowed solemnly to not do anything harmful any longer… I want this to work.
……..Yeah, well fuck that shit. You want to know what ended up happening?! Well.. I was blind sided. Fresh Air brings his ass back into town singing a whole different tune.
All of a sudden our “amazingness” is gone. All of a sudden… he needs to gather his thoughts. All of a fucking sudden—THIS [relationship] isn’t working out. It is becoming reminiscent of his last relationship. I think a direct quote that came out of his oddly disproportional small mouth was something along the lines of…”Things got so good so fast—and seemed to get very bad, just as quickly”.
I think that quote is off—but this isn’t a relationship-election, there are no fact checkers.
My blog, my rules… my word against…no one’s.
Now as I am typing, I am starting to draw correlations between the first half of this post, and the latter. Maybe… All of my word vomits and button pushing is what led us here. That makes sense. That is logical, indeed.
Here is where my issue lies…
1) Why were we fine leading up until this last trip? How is it that everything was peachy fucking keen… then all of a sudden it wasn’t? Was it just ‘you’ pretending? Hmmmm….
2) If that was the case, and my word vomits and butting pushing was the reason we landed where we did, then why in thine holy fuck didn’t you present it as an issue to begin with. Of course I understand that you needed time to process…. But when you finally finished processing then I think you should have continued and actually had a fucking grown up conversation with your grown up girlfriend. Right?
I am sure you guys will leave your comments and let me know what I am doing. What I am doing wrong…. I am sure there is something I am missing, or better yet there is something that I am overlooking…. BETTER fucking yet… I am almost positive I can figure this out on my own—but I am being hard headed and refusing to just accept the facts.
This second portion is just the consequences of the first half. I once again have activated my go-go-gadget powers and have fucked up a good thing. Even if we find a way to repair… there will be no coming back from this. On either end.
I cried and begged him not to leave me… and he did.
I did whatever I did to push him away….
We are both guilty. Will we ever be able to get past this?? Probably so… but will it leave a bitter taste in our mouths? Even more likely.